First Love Dies

What is the story of your first love? It’s an awkward question for every person or for those who had his or her first love with an unhappy memory behind it. I can say that majority had dealt with this unrequited love and had become quite a martyr when it comes to love. Our memory of our first love is undeniably a painful one when one tries to unravel the past.

     First love memory is a heartrending one because we didn't end up being together with that special someone. I had also been a target of one of Cupid’s arrow. I was still a freshman back then when we this role play thing. Our group decided to act out the Love Story song by Taylor Swift and I was chosen to be the girl in the story. I really didn't like the idea of me being the protagonist together with him being my partner.

     There was this part on our act where he knelt and inserted the ring in my finger and I can even remember today how awkward it was that I felt my cheeks burned that moment.  It was followed by the screaming of my classmates because they were fluttered by that gesture he made which was part of our script. From then on our classmates would always tease us. But that time I didn't fell in love with him in spite of all those tease and things my friends told me.

     I thought that I wouldn’t be hit by Cupid’s arrow and that I would be able to defend my heart from it. But I guess I was wrong and by the end of the school year, whenever I see him my heart started to beat fast and I couldn't look at him directly. My feelings continued when we were already sophomores. I always had this thought in mind that whenever one likes somebody, he or she won’t be liked back. And yet, a miracle did happen.

     It was during our intramurals and there was this sound box booth wherein you can request any song. I heard the DJ said that this song was dedicated to Miss Jarah Lucena. Yes that’s me and I was surprised and what was more surprising is that when I heard the song Love Story by Taylor Swift started playing. I had never forgotten how my heart raced that time and how my friends came to me rushing and teasing me. It was then I discovered that he was the one who requested.

     That was one of the happiest moment of my life and I felt like it was a dream come true which every girl had dreamed of. But then sadly, there was this agonizing event that happened which made him fall out of it. I just don’t want to talk about the whole heartbreaking thing that destroyed it. But then I couldn’t forget the moment how it ended and it was when someone texted me on the night before our periodical test, that he don’t like me anymore. Seriously, when I read the text message, my tears were falling and it was uncontrollable.

     See, that love was like a flower. It was a fragile flower that suddenly bloomed out of nowhere. That flower lived shortly being unable to completely feel the warmth of the sun. By the end of every love story, that flower just withers unexpectedly and you just can’t revive it even if you want to. Sometimes, loving a person leaves a scar on your heart but your heart can’t choose someone to love. It just hits you unexpectedly but even if you’ll get hurt you can’t deny the fact that you’ll be able to love again. 

Testophobia

     Testophobia is a physiological condition in which people experience extreme stress, anxiety, and discomfort during and/or before taking a test. Students, like me, are most likely afraid from failing a test in any subjects. I easily feel the pressure on my nerves and the stress when I think about the upcoming tests. Also, whenever there is a test I tend to have an abnormal heart rate because it keeps on beating faster than usual. And then my hand starts to feel chilly and my insides turn upside down.  What worries me even more are results and what if my best wasn't good enough.

       First on the list, I worry and fear if my scores are going to be low or low when the answer sheets are being or will be handed out. I think it is a norm for everybody to worry about those scores because it is a part of our grades. Tests in college are more worrisome because there aren’t a lot of chances where in you can pull your scores higher. As a matter of fact, you really need to burn the candle at both ends for you to pass that certain subject. As a result bags under the eyes and dark circles would be visible and evident.

     And second, the thing I’m frightened of is my grades especially if it’s low or it would be low. Low test results can trigger low grades in the end, so I often think about it as a bitter end and bitter start for my first ever semester. And then it keeps on swirling on my mind how would my parents react if I had those low grades and probably they would be disappointed. One thing I hate is that when my parents starts a sermon about me not giving my best shot to achieve higher. I just can’t stand the fact that there is a pool of expectations and it’s drowning me.

     Whatever the results maybe, a lot of my classmates often say that there is always a next time and that those scores won’t determine our future. Yes those are indeed true and it motivates me to move on. Even if you fail once or several times you just can’t give up and think that you’re hopeless or you won’t be able to make it. Chances are given for you to give it a try again even if you’ll end up falling you just have to show your efforts and stand up once again. I think I just definitely have to think positively given that I always give my best whenever there are exams. But then I just can’t overcome this anxiety today but soon enough, hopefully, I can get rid of the worries I feel whenever there are exams even if it’s written or true to life tests. 

During Her Red Days

    

     I would say that one irritating ordeal that a girl would face is having her period. People in her environment would probably be affected by these days for some reasons. Moreover she tends to act differently during those days and it makes people wonder why. For me it is norm if she’d be more or likely weird. I would like to reveal what we experience during these days and how it basically makes it annoying.

     When we undergo through these days we tend to have this mood swings often. Typically we girls do often justify having bad mood due to this event. Also, here comes the zit that pops up during this occasion. I can’t even explain why we crave for food during these days but yes we certainly eat more than usual but not that extreme though. Moreover, we feel so uncomfortable and unclean and like we just want to go home and take a shower or something. And one more thing that makes it more irritating and more embarrassing is that when you can’t predict when that unlucky day is and then your friend suddenly tells you there is that red roundish mark behind you and you haven’t even prepared for it.

                                                               

     Sometimes we girls during these days suddenly share the same opinion on why do boys don’t experience the same amount of pain like we do. I and my friends think it’s a bit unfair because we experience pain twice and they get to experience pain once. For us twice because we feel painful cramps that we call dysmenorrhea and the pain that girls experience when giving birth. I say once only for the boys because they only undergo circumcision.  I myself admit that we girls do have some weird ideas and topics during our period.

     Dealing with this cycle we experience, for us girls it just became natural. But even if it’s irritating most of the times we just tend to endure things because it’s just a week. Being grateful those people who understood enough, especially your girl friends who can also relate, is probably one task a girl should properly do.  All these habits we carry out during these days are just normal and I think we shouldn't be ashamed because of it. Instead, you just have to accept and embrace it because the one who frowns loses. 

When The Candles Are Lit

     What comes to your mind when November starts? The start of November is all about that All Saints Day and All Soul’s Day. But often times, people usually associate November as visiting of people in the graveyards. Indeed the second day of November is somewhat the highlight of November because majority of the people would visit the people whom they love who had their rest already. In these cemeteries we can observe people buying flowers and candles for the dead and even renew the paint of the place where their loved ones are buried.

      I wanted to go to our province. Usually my family and I went there during ‘All Souls Day” to visit the cemetery. But this year only my parents were able to go because my sister and I had something to do like homework. So they went there and when they came back they told us that my lolo had a small accident upon riding a speedy motorcycle when he was on his way back home from the cemetery. And they also said they cooked humba, fried fish, and biko there.

     Shortly after, we visited the cemetery where my great grandparents of my father’s side were buried. When we entered the cemetery, as expected, there were crowds of people that made it difficult for us to get through. I can see bright shining candles everywhere and families in front of the graves of their loved ones were praying fervently. Some were even talking to the grave as if the ones who were buried were listening to them. When I lighted the candles to make it stand in the grave of my great grandparents and our relatives, I felt the sincerity of the people we passed by a while ago. And then after putting up the lighted candles, it was followed by individual prayers by each of the member of my family.

      The essence of the day for the souls is purely having solemn prayers for the loved ones who parted away from us already. I can say it is also a form of a reunion to those who passed away and the ones who remained, once a year because we do not often visit cemeteries.  All the candles lighted forming a huge fire at the big cross made me realize that everyone there in the cemetery as they lit a candle indicates that we never forget. In our lives we undergo some bitter circumstances, the scar is still there but the pain left, although we never forget someone who was once there for us. So as a form of gratitude we remember and visit, put candles and beautiful fresh flowers and then pray for them for wherever they are. 

A Night For The Initiation

      I was crossing on that pedestrian lane and met those eyes, when I realized she checked me from head to toe and obviously criticizing me. From that moment as I stayed in the area where the guard usually stays, I suddenly felt like my confidence was about to drop. I was wondering if my dress was too fancy for them to react like that and it made me regret why I wore this thing. But then again I regained my positive aura and I thought I won’t care for as long as I’m presentable and decent. As I walked on my way through the court where the party would be held, the colorful “bandiritas” was hanged all over the place and it suited the theme for the party which was Pista sa Nayon.

       The event started with the opening remarks of our emcees and eventually we had our very first game which was finding people whom I have a similar blood type for example and other categories. Then we played open the basket that added as a factor which made the atmosphere more lively. After that, everybody agreed to have our dinner because our tummies are grumbling already. I immediately stood up and went to the dining table where I was surprised that it would be a boodle fight. I haven’t yet experienced boodle fight not until that night and it was actually more kind of like exciting and fun. My mouth watered as I saw the pancit beside the rice and in the middle were the chicken, chopped lechon and lumpia. Done eating, everyone was expecting ice cream because it wouldn't be absent during fiestas and indeed there came the ice cream and we lined for it.

       I was so excited for the upcoming games and I was in the fuchsia pink team. First game was the “Longest Line” and my teammates were so fired up for it and because of our determination we won the game. The next game was called “Mary Went to Town” and it was a game wherein two baskets with ping pong balls were put in your arms, the other hand would be holding the fan and the other hand was an umbrella and your two knees would be holding the paper plate to hinder you from walking faster than usual. Excitement was present and the crowd were cheering for their own teams but then again our team won. After the series of games we had presentations from the four year levels were then followed. The place was filled with music and our Ates and Kuyas were singing their songs to entertain us. We freshmen had a different way of presenting and it was more of like an UPSTAGE performance. Fun and laughter filled the ambience because of our humorous presentation that we prepared.

       Silence found its way through the mood of the party when the speaker talked with a serious voice asking why we were a psychology student. Nobody from the freshmen dared to answer that simple yet impressive question. Being a psychology student is not just about having gone through the enrollment stage and passing the UPCAT it’s about us being able to understand people because that is our primary role. He gave us the challenge in which our membership on our association depends on it and if we fail we won’t be able to join the group. That moment gave me the chills because I saw a higher year bringing an arnis stick and the first thing that came onto my mind was hazing. But that nerve-wracking imagination of mine was not the thing that happened but it was a memorable challenge that proves how we can solve the problems when we act as one and when we unite. The challenge we faced in order to be an UPPSYMA member will remain as a secret for it to be memorable among us freshies who went through that fascinating experience.

Bon Appétit

     It was a Monday but I wasn't excited at all. As I woke up it’s just like an ordinary day but then they greeted me a happy birthday and I thanked them. I don’t feel like it was my birthday at all and I can’t feel the worth of my existence. I felt blue but then I would constantly tell myself that God had already written my future and I believe I have a purpose in living to this world. Well, too much for dramas I was just sharing how I felt that day but seriously I’m going to share and narrate how I celebrated my birthday on a Saturday with my high school best friends.

                                                             

     It was my treat and I told them not to expect much and my money was just so-so that we could eat stuff. I arrived early at SM and waited for them at the theater lobby, I was texting my first friend Chrislee whom that would most likely to arrive first because my other friend Shayne is always late and we got used to it. Chrislee and I went inside the theater to watch a free Korean movie, as the movie goes people burst into laughter in every single humorous scene because indeed it was really funny and the title was ‘My Paparotti’. It was about a gangster who wanted to be an opera singer. At the peak of the movie Shayne was calling already and asking our location and that’s when we got out and came to her.

     Starving as you would exaggerate our stomach I say demanded that we better eat now. I asked them where would we eat because I’m not an expert when it comes to restaurants and the likes. We decided to go to BonChon and the chicken there was tasty. Soon after, we craved for desserts so we went to Leona’s Cakes and Pastries and we ate chocolate cheesecake and chocolate mousse cake. After that, since SM was starting to close we went to Starbucks and bought some frappes and shared how we were dealing our college life and recalled some good memories back from high school.

     After enjoying the food trip we had even though we went to only a few places I still enjoyed the moments and the post birthday celebration we had for my birthday. Another page has been added in the book of my memories and it was a remarkable one. It was a happy and simple one even though my one of my friend Fely wasn't there to celebrate with us. I hope our friendship will go stronger as we go through our own journey. It lifted my mood and I eventually took back what I said that my birthday was ordinary instead, it was a special and a remarkable one. 

"Probinsyana"

        It seems nostalgic when me a “probinsyana” and my friends talk about where our provinces are.  How the sun bids farewell as the moon and the twinkling stars replace the sky, mountains full of trees and plants that makes it green and how my grandparents and my aunt would smile if we were there, all of that is what I think of when it comes to my province. Usually the word “probinsyana” is linked when you talk about provinces. You call someone a “probinsyana” if she went or lived from a province. I am a proud “probinsyana” because I had experienced a lot of things in our province together with the people whom I care most.

        Back when I was still a baby my parents were busy with their jobs that they couldn't take care of us. Me and my younger sister was given to my aunt and my grandparents so that we’ll be taken care of because they can’t  due to their work. I can still remember that I was once a crybaby and my aunt would tell me that back then whenever I cry my face would be red and even though there were no tears left I’d still cry and shout. Then she told me that there was one time that my father couldn’t handle my tantrum he carried me up and he was like going to throw me out of the window. Well I thank them for their time, patience, effort to raise an extraordinary child like me. All  I can say is that it was a blessing having them by my side and received love that was enough for me to feel loved and important.

        Growing in a province gave me a lot of memories to treasure. I can remember at my young age helping my grandmother buy vetsin for her vegetable soup and how she thanked me for that. I also used to look for coconut shell and collect them to bargain and the coins that I received will be given to m my grandmother and that made her glad. I remember the simple things for survival like cooking with the use of firewood and getting directly the ingredients from nature. I remember the time when I used my barefoot to dig a small burrow for the seeds of the corn and then burry it with soil again, that was my first time planting corn and I felt happy. Even though these things were simple it was fulfilling to because knowing that in a place you can survive and live longer because nature blessed us with the abundance of our basic needs.

        These people and place builds me and molded me for what I have become today. The simple experiences I had when I was staying there was memorable and it hit a great impact to me. Even though life there was plain it made me realize that life can be filled with happiness without doing something complicated, doing simple things can already make you happy even if others would criticize you. Life in the province was quiet but you won’t feel lonely as long as there are people there who embraces you. Being a “probinsyana” is a thing that is essential for someone like me because there is always that place you are welcome to whenever.